4:00 A.M.

I feel lost...I feel like I'm waiting, but I've always been waiting, I've always said 'tomorrow will be better'. I know that's wrong, I know I'm suppose to take initiative, get up and do it myself, not wait around for anyone or thing, but I don't know. I feel like I'm suppose to be doing something, but I don't have a clue as to what.

Maybe this is all me being silly, or the lack of sleep, or lack of food, or the spider bite seeping into my brain. Maybe I need a nice hot bath, or a trip to the beach, or to smoke till I don't remember my name, or a bottle of whiskey, or a voice of reason. Maybe I need a swift kick to the a$$. Just ... maybe... Maybe... I don't know. Maybe this is just me being a Piesces. "And dear Goddess, as long as I'm drinking this 5th of scotch tonight, please put it to your best use." heheh.

5:30 A.M. 

I called Momma and talked to her for an hour, hoping for a voice of reason. No such luck, but it was good to talk to her. ^_^ I think I need to just sit and meditate, clear my noggen. Clean the apt some, set up the Hookah, light some candles, and run a bath. Make a paper boat, name it the S.S. Friday or something. ^_^

Maybe I'm looking too much to the inside, or maybe not enough. I remember the whole 'if you can't find what it is you seek on the inside, you won't find it on the out' and it makes sense, but I've been looking to the inside, and I keep drawing blank. Maybe I'm not looking deep enough... I get this feeling like I'm drowning in nothing, just vast nothing.

I think it's this city, the trees here aren't like back home, warm and friendly, and alive. I miss real trees....that sounds weird o_O Maybe it's the Spring, getting me all twitterpated with fresh newness and change, all anxious to do stuff. I think I'll do the bath thing including the S.S. Friday. ^_^ If paper boats can't fix this slump, then I'll try pot! j/k ;P

BB all.